Two and a half electric snakes
I dreamed of two and a half electric snakes. The snakes wanted to eat the city, so I first thought about moving to the village. But the village cows really dislike the city folk, they moo disgustingly and rush to gore you, especially those with green stripes.
So I went to two and a half electric snakes and said, “This is my dream, get out!”
And the snakes just burst out laughing: “Why do you even care about this city? Look how ugly it is.”
I looked around, and, yes, the city was crooked and dusty.
“But people live here?” I objected uncertainly, “will you eat them too?”
“Oh, let’s just go for a walk and ask the residents what they think about it?”
We went into the neighbouring yard, where a girl was playing in the sandpit.
“Dear girl. We want to eat the house of your grandma and your grandpa, “said two and a half snakes, “together with your grandma, together with your grandpa. What do you think about it?”
The girl was upset, she almost burst into tears.
“In my grandmother’s bedroom, my doll lies on a pillow. Will you eat her too?”
“Why do you need that doll?” two and a half snakes were surprised, “It’s crooked and dusty. Let’s get you a new one, shall we?”
Two and a half snakes pulled out a doll from the shoulder bag and solemnly handed it to the girl.
The girl grabbed the doll and tightly squeezed it in her arms, “oh, what a beautiful doll.”
Then she curtsied: “thank you, two and a half electric snakes.”
Then the doll grabbed the little girl by the pinky and, in five bites, munched her whole. After that, the doll turned into an owl and flew south. And I followed her.
For a long time, we flew over valleys, steppes, and other landscapes.
Suddenly, the owl braked sharply, turned to me and asked: “Why are you flying after me? What do you want from me?”
I answered, “You are a wise bird, and I want to know two things: where is the highest mountain, and where is the most delicious coffee?”
“Regarding the mountain,” the owl answered, “I have no clue, and in general, how should I know? This is your dream.”
“Indeed,” I agreed and clapped my hands twice. In front of me, a mountain peak instantly grew out of the ground. Very very high, you can walk to the moon if you wish, just takes a lot of stomping.
“And regarding coffee,” the owl continued, “that you asked nicely, I know a great place just around the corner.”
Five minutes later, we arrived at a coffee shop, where the barista, a badger wearing a mask of an advertising space salesman, placed two glasses of vodka in front of us.
The owl looked at the badger with a look that oozed predatory anger. The barista waved his paws conciliatorily and put a thin straw in her glass.
“Tell me,” the owl asked me, “when you were little, what did you want to become when you grew up?”
I closed my eyes dreamily, “I wanted to become a river.”
“And what are you waiting for?”
“Indeed,” I agreed and became a river. Such a solid and unhurried river of the steppes, without any stupid rapids and waterfalls. Reeds along the banks, fish swim on me back and forth.
And then I realized that I was flowing into the sea.
And I asked, “Sea, when I flow into you, it means I become a part of you, is that right?”
And the sea frowned and answered, “you’re an anthropomorphic chauvinist, don’t be like that.”
I got bored with being a river anyway, so I became a dolphin and swam east.
On the way, I came across an island where on the shore, naked native women were gathering coconuts and shells. The native women were of no interest to me at all, however, as soon as they saw me, they abandoned their business and sang a surprisingly piercing and dreary song in unison.
“Native women,” I asked, “Why are you doing this? What are you, sirens?”
“No,” said the native women, “We are the alarm clock.”
I laughed.
“How can you wake me up if I have nowhere to wake up?”
“Indeed,” the native women agreed and returned to their business.
And I swam further, to the end of the world, where the turtle held the Earth on her back and was bored without fresh jokes.
